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Submitted on
August 21, 2011
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I see you standing there
So quiet... so sad...
Teardrops falling like rain
What could hurt you so bad?

I miss the smile you used to wear
So bright... so sweet...
You could make the sun shine
What cause your smile to retreat?

Come back...
Come back to me
Break the chains holding you
Break free...

I fear you've lost your care
So lost... so gone...
You think it's the only way
Why can't you see the truth?

Come back...
Come back to me
Break the chains holding you
Break free...

Feel the sun on your hair
So warm... so alive...
Come back to where you belong
Why won't you come back to me?

Come back...
Come back...
Come back to me
Break the chains holding you
And come back...
Break the chains holding you
Break free...
another song for the band in The Star... though the only band name I've heard so far is Goodbye Valentine...
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:iconcantfindkeyboard:
CantFindKeyboard Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2011
'What Entails'. xD Probably from my i-want-to-be-a-death-metal-rocker phase. 'Pandemonium' is also a good one... Paralost, Social Incline, Facade, Gold Rush... a few off the top of my head. :D
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:iconsoleste81:
Soleste81 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
nice... very nice
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:iconfaeryinajar:
FaeryInAJar Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011   Writer
It needs a little editing. As a poem it's fine, but as a song it needs some work. There needs to be a little more flow. As for a band name: Nuclear Meltdown or Wishing Star.
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:iconsoleste81:
Soleste81 Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
interesting names.. thanks :)
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:iconfaeryinajar:
FaeryInAJar Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2011   Writer
No problem. :)
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:iconsoleste81:
Soleste81 Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconprojectsonic:
projectsonic Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011   Writer
Well, since it's in critiqueable, and I don't have a PM, here we go... I've got some qualms with this.

1. It sounds very normal, like something on the radio. A little too much, in fact. There's absolutely nothing that demonstrates originality in here. It doesn't feel imaginative, the descriptions fall flat with no place for the mind to hold an image. Nor does it really feel catchy at all, there's no rhymes to hum or remember or really anything to give this a lasting impression that will stick above anything else.

2. It's kind of hard to read with the punctuation. There's elipses leading to nowhere in almost every other line, and nothing else other than the odd question mark. When an ellipsis is used in a poem it should have at least some kind of "payoff" at the end; whether it be from the writer thinking, or building up tension to a twist/event.

3. It seems like you just gave up at the end from a reader's perspective. Having a chorus repeat twice at the end, with even less polish than the rest of the piece I might add, is quite frankly the opposite of what someone just reading the lyrics wants to look at. It's a very dull ending to the piece in general.

All in all, it's not exactly HORRIBLE. But I suggest you dig deeper in yourself than only what you've heard. Stick with a brilliant idea you have, and incorporate it into your piece. You'll be surprised of the results.
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:iconsoleste81:
Soleste81 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
thanks
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